Truth be told.

I really don't know what the hell to do. Let that be my opening statement. Let it resound. When all options carry a significant portion of difficulty, of complication and turbulence. At the same time – when did that stop me before? Before... The line between 'then' and 'now' has been drawn, lies elsewhere, has been crossed. Something needs to be done, that much is for sure. Uniting spaces thousands of miles apart – is that even possible? If happiness can skip between both, then there must be a way to accompany it, book a seat next to it. Not just to ride in on its coattails. I'm too connected here in Eesti without feeling a reciprocal beckoning, a draw, an anchor. There's the sea, but she doesn't raise a glass, make a joke that inspires a genuine laugh, give you a knowing glance, keep you on your toes in life and warm at night. Looking around and seeing just what I want – camaraderie, light-heartedness, daring, confidence in self and life... they're all the things I want, all the things I have had before and still hold – just not here.

Within eyesight, out of reach.

It's time for something to be done. I'm the one to do it.

Too often now, I'm searching in coffee mugs and bottles, with nothing to show but where I've ended up anyway. Just take a look at the shift in the tone, the language, the vibrance of the vibe in my posts; in my justifications.

Opening up... just a split second of thought, of realization, and it's done. Another open(ed) door.

That's all it takes.

...

I'm not ready to settle for the sake of settling.


(written on paper, on a rock with waves lapping up and an inquisitive seagull corroborating)

What I've always written –

Edasi, ahead, вперёд...

Juovllat, šnaps, lumi and cheer. The slow unwind.

Ohh, holidays. The redefining of such occasions with age is indeed a thing of wonder. Some of the 'magical' properties, winds filled with the mysterious change in public attitude and excitement, do abate somewhat.. however other pleasant aspects erupt in their place. All the more reason why some people despise widely-celebrated holidays .. obligations sometimes pop up and seem to fully rob the days of this deserved, almost human right of a calm, self-pleasing spirit. If such mandatory indentured hours can be avoided, though.. well hot damn, it can be doused right back in the adult version of a magical time.

Today, for example, has been fantastic so far. Woke up rested around ten o'clock, had some tea and a cinnamon roll, lit the lights on the jõulupuu / ёлка / Christmas tree, put on some music to fit the season, hit up the shop for hõõgvein / glögg, verivorstid / blood sausages, piparkoogid / gingerbread and some proper winter porter, came back to sit and read for a bit with coffee, and am now heading out with my suusad / sabet / skis for a bit of biting cold air, then back for indulging in the hõõgvein and just generally .. enjoying the holiday just as it means by definition. Slowing everything down about forty notches, enjoying the holiday greetings from here and there - from deeply missed friends afar, and letting every molecule in my body simply take some time off from the rampaging rush that is the other side of 'progress'.

So more on that quite soon, and in the meantime - häid pühi, happy holidays to all. Just take a breath and smile.

Edasi, вперёд..