I really don't know what the hell to do. Let that be my opening statement. Let it resound. When all options carry a significant portion of difficulty, of complication and turbulence. At the same time – when did that stop me before? Before... The line between 'then' and 'now' has been drawn, lies elsewhere, has been crossed. Something needs to be done, that much is for sure. Uniting spaces thousands of miles apart – is that even possible? If happiness can skip between both, then there must be a way to accompany it, book a seat next to it. Not just to ride in on its coattails. I'm too connected here in Eesti without feeling a reciprocal beckoning, a draw, an anchor. There's the sea, but she doesn't raise a glass, make a joke that inspires a genuine laugh, give you a knowing glance, keep you on your toes in life and warm at night. Looking around and seeing just what I want – camaraderie, light-heartedness, daring, confidence in self and life... they're all the things I want, all the things I have had before and still hold – just not here.
Within eyesight, out of reach.
It's time for something to be done. I'm the one to do it.
Too often now, I'm searching in coffee mugs and bottles, with nothing to show but where I've ended up anyway. Just take a look at the shift in the tone, the language, the vibrance of the vibe in my posts; in my justifications.
Opening up... just a split second of thought, of realization, and it's done. Another open(ed) door.
That's all it takes.
...
I'm not ready to settle for the sake of settling.
(written on paper, on a rock with waves lapping up and an inquisitive seagull corroborating)
What I've always written –
Edasi, ahead, вперёд...
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