Offbeats.

Noh, nii..

Given that the last post received mixed reviews (i.e., a mix of people had no idea what the fuck I was babbling about.. well noted..), I figure it is a good time to freshen things up. That's what I am, anyways. Fresh.

It's wild how cities can shift and change in the course of a few days and a few degrees. Given people and the ability to walk around with your head down against cold and snow, the whole atmosphere transforms into something more fluid. A mere change of weather doesn't launch the urban mood into any sort of 'positive' straight away, though. It's the passing through time with people who make it all. That's what solid cities really are, so I guess it makes sense.

Näiteks; Molly came around for a week (damn NWA workers and their families and their cheap tickets and their unlimited beverages!), and really was responsible for making me as fresh as I am (not to mention how 'fly'). A week of cynicism, sunrises and sunsets threw the city and everything about living here into such a light that allowed me to feel so .. comfortable (mugav). It wasn't just speaking in English the whole time and being able to shrapnel off smartass comments left and right. Alright, that was a huge part. Though.. just traipsing around everywhere together, tasting the Minneapolis flavour mixed into the ins and outs of Tallinn life.. everything gained this sort of focus. Sunday and the last week was thus equally really difficult for various reasons. One being that sudden gap where there had as-suddenly and unexpectedly been a common perspective on everything around. Admittedly this would have been a lot harder if my mate Paul from Glasgow wasn't just around for a few weeks.. We were both in Estonian language courses last summer and share an equal disgust of old babushki cleaning mens' locker rooms (this should be a horror film, really, that's a sight that would make your heart stop beating). However even this is temporal and, though the weather is on the up and up, the presence of a somewhat developed and often-available friend base remains lack. Given the fact that I could legally be kicked out at a moment's notice and do miss the Cities somethin' teerriiiblllll', my motivation to break into the non-defrosted-freezer-built-up-ice of Estonian circles is somewhat low. There are of course many really fantastic foreigners here as well and one or two Estonian friends, with whom things have been coming together more lately, however.. it is still outside of the city flow.

Living here is living in a different current of the city. One can understand more how foreigners have to feel in the States.. where English is choppy but necessary for every interaction, and thus becomes 'work' in itself, life needs to have comfort. Thus foreigner circles develop and may permeate other circles of foreigners. It's intimidating enough breaking into circles of high school friends as a native English speaker, though to come at this from completely outside and when the culture is already so closed.. uphill fight without even being sure that you are on a hill or have a weapon. Then there is the time aspect as well, and disconnect from taking classes and being forced into other peoples' presence. It's trying to flip into the ebb and flow of the city without anything to grip or the senses to feel the rhythm. At least with close friends developed in their own way, outside of this current adventure in life, there is a common base and orientation in taking on the scene.

So, to dip this all into a bit of disclarity; I am considering. Lihtsalt (just..).. considering. I can't say exactly what I am tossing about (in part as according to my passport I am not legally -anywhere- now..), because it is straight on in the middle. Naming go versus stay or vice versa specifically would imply a progressive momentum towards such. When in fact there is a momentum, it is treading back and forth. I underestimated the State Department's need for recruiting people with no motivation or real interest in what they do in life, and resultingly did not receive the summer scholarship for Russia. Waiting on the Fulbright, though I almost feel as if I did get that it would muddle things even more. Things are slowly slipping into some sort of loose stability of unknowing anything, though for how long or if it is even something I want remains like a cloud lost in fog.

Once more (taas) I vow to make this somewhat more upbeat or interesting in short order, mix in some tales of bagged dairy products, useless elderly-garden break-ins (old Finnish guys get their kicks in weird places.. that bastard!), the illustrious Sea Lion tennis racket, techno towers and taevased. Eastern Europe is annoying in the sense that it is hard to exaggerate stories as such. As when you start out a sentence,

"And then when the Russian guy broke the bottle into his hand..."

Not even a mistranslation. It's the inevitably tinged attempts at translation of events into English which makes the region so addictive.

Eh, about time to check and see if the Migration Board is back from vacation and if I can/want to/should let the EU know that I'm in it..

Edasi..