Sisse ja välja ja ..

I've been breathing deeply as of late, enjoying the height of oxygen into my lungs and the heightened sense of everything which surrounds. A swooping step approaches, garnished with the depth of conjoined bitter and sweet. The approach is however severed from what pulses as present, at which each and every second I grasp and intake with a breath. A breeze of assuredness rifles around. A warmth of lingering embraced sidelong inhalation rahuldab, the coordinated movement with waves in a drifting boat.

Edasi, вперёд..

Sorting, and the sort.

..and now for the inglise keelne version of my thoughts. This has been coming around less quickly recently, and while oft lacking in as much depth (due to sõnastiku restraints.. mmmrrr.. vocabularic? Those involving vocabulary?), is thoroughly enjoyable and stimulating.

I've slightly mentioned before (I know, this describes about 94% of my blog content) the current issue of 'reluctance' in which I've been treading. I want to stress again, as a general disclaimer, that this is in no way a feeling of repellence from my home of the Cities. Enough other posts have cleared that out as a possibility, especially through the thick of doubt concerning my life choices a good 10 months ago. Then again 8 months ago. Not forgetting to mention the one at around 6 months, and varied moments of gradually increasing increments.

Quick break to mention an important discovery: the first Estonian beer that I've enjoyed which keeps its head! It might be the maritime climate, or the local historical claim of '700 years of slavery,' though whatever it is, the lack of emancipation given to a creamy top on õlu (beer) brewed within the territorial claims of Eesti is highly noticeable. Let it be known, that Puls Jõulu (Christmas) 'Legend' defies this law of brewed physics here! That is all.


Back into it. I've attempted (miserably) to express to others in at least three different langauges the intricacies of the 'push-pull' factors here. I've got overriding 'pulls' towards Minneapolis, and those towards Tallinn have (vaid viimasel ajal) grown over a precarious balance of slight indifference. That's the wrong word.. underlying attractions and inexplicable draws have, since my first moments here in 2006, peppered intrigue with the language, people and land. A lack of tactile definites and, moreso, confidence in myself being here hinged it in the period of back-and-forthishness which so often decorated rants throughout the spring and then on and off in the summer. One element I overlooked (and in rash times forgot) was the length of time generally and naturally taken for adjustment. If I chose to study in California for a masters, I'm sure it'd be the same or worse (I also doubt I would hold more than a transitional level of patience with living there). Overall, it's a respectable period of time that is rarely avoidable. It's fascinating, and somewhat of a trip, following up on Erinn's blog, 'Planned Movements,' accessible through the 'Dancing on Maple Leaves' located on the left side of the cabin next to other emergency exits from my blog. Erinn is a long-time close friend who recently moved to the northern neighborhood of Canada. Integration into a culture that is so strongly entrenched in maple syrup would be a bit much for me, I fear, and I'm proud of the progress she's made so far.


A similar stream of this reluctance now, I feel, comes from making it through so many of these ups and downs of doubt, and then the timing of moving to Minneapolis (I avoid saying moving 'back' because this, I also warn, is merely the next stage of the next stage, with many more of such goings and arrivals to come). Doubt is low about the spot I've strenuously carved out here for myself. This is probably better, as I will be going with a bit of assurance already precluding my return. Had I fully broken out in the fall, ties would remain, however with different forms and material of thread, with less intricacy of the binding, with musings in the place of what is now a grasp of belonging.


Here is home. Minneapolis is also home. I am part of two geographically separate rahva seltskonnaid. Different senses, different lengths and social ties, though in all it is positive and, while bittersweetly tinged, especially fulfilling.

And all reinforced by the remaining millimeter of foam (that's some metric for you) resting atop the Jõulu Legend. Swirls of this and that, only slightly comprehendable in the flit of a moment at hand. All calls for another pint close, the thoughts of blue eyes, and some quality time once more taking in The Life Aquatic. A sip for those at home, another sip for a particular architect in the making at here-home, and still two more for the ground and water and roots under all.

Edasi, вперёд..

Onju.

Mina just sain teada.. kuidagi nii hiljem, aga igatahes.. et, miks ongi nii raske isegi möelda sellest, kuidas ja millal lahkun (tähtajaliselt, mäleta!). Varsti tuleb ära sõita kojunt. Teise kojunt, jah, aga samas mõtes, see on esimese kojunt ka. Kodu on kodu, ja ma oskan kaks eriti head tükkid. Siin on siin, ja seal pole siin, aga seal on seal ka.. ja üldse on juba piletid ostnud (ja lükkinud edasi, millest ka ma ei hakka rääkima).

On kõik siin, ja on kõik seal. See on see tase, mis on tähtis. Kirjutan varsti kõigi sellest.. ja veelgi.

Вперёд, edasi..

A.

Sõnaga.. ja siis veel.

Nii. Once again myself and reluctance encounter each other.

Officially it's official. Following a multiple-hour battle with Northwest Airlines (plus company of bought, I place in quotes, "insurance," on said tickets) on the tickets bought, the original price (and, apparently, strings attached), the reason for buying and circumstances behind.. jne edasi.. further tickets have been issued and I will now be arriving in the Twin Cities on 6 jaanuar. Living situations are set up with a friend of a friend (I imagine soon to be a full-class all inclusive friend) in a two-bedroom place close to Uptown. (Most) tickets are purchased. Job/studies in the works. Unnerving.

To both clear up and encourage more rumours, yes, a girl is a growing part of the prelusive feelings of reluctance at a repeat full-out move. Fate rarely coordinates with time. I doubt either uses a Blackberry. In all, it's absolutely worth difficulties though. What else really inspires motivation? More on said one and shifts and such in coming posts..

Language is daily. By no means do I intend to say that I am entirely fluent or capable of unbarriered deep interaction, though, it appears in the first moments of my thoughts in the morning and flows forth (while breaking over boulders) all elements of conversation throughout the day up until the last murmurs of drowsy musing. This is to be expanded upon.

As the illustrious Facebook profile states, ma täiesti armastan kui ilus see maalilm saab olla.

Edasi, вперёд..

Moldin.

Everyday Iceland picture courtesy Lúc

Incredible.

Yes, I feel like I emit that outwardly emotional word often after Icelandic performances, however, it's just about right. I just (randomly, as is best) käisin (mmmrr.. went.. to and hung out in) the concert (make that word interactive feeling) of (loooong sentence) Ólöf Arnalds in a small artsy drinking corner (Juuksur) here in Tallinn. Strange saying that is is one of the best shows that I have been in attendence of, though in its subtle ways it fufilled this spot. The simplicity of it all rained down beautifully (literally.. concrete bits holding up the medieval cellar ceiling were falling into hairs and drinks). After randomly shoving a floating copy of Postimees into my kott following my shift and sitting with said ajaleht and unsaid pint of beer, I saw an aricle about the performance with a special 'happening tonight' sentence attached. While calling a film-type acquaintance living in the city, I was questioned about the show, and sidewise invited along with a pair of familiar (though yet-unenjoyed) British/Scottish (new) friends.

Following conniving myself and my slightly dismembered ISIC (not ISIK, for eesti readers.. haven't been that drunk yet) through the sooduspileti hind (discount (student) ticket price), we grabbed some close spots under the contemplatively stable ceiling and took forth some drinks.

So many factors went into the show that made it the beauty of what the title 'folk' so incessently perverts - a good, in-touch musical and vocal show. Ólöf is Icelandic and carries that sense of humour, which inherently helps. Yes, humidity caused both guitars and her armadillo-ukelailie (I shit you not.. and to quote, 'It's as well of an afterlife as I can imagine') to call for constant, often mid-song tuning to commence. Yes, some assholes in the back of the room carried on laughing and chortling through the first quiet part of the show and the later, settled-in part where the bar in the connecting room started filling up and accompanying. The natural character of the music, the presentation and conversation, and the performance all weaved together, and most importantly kept it alive. From Icelandic folk through acoustic mountains (complete with her detailing mid-song where, on the album, the strings come in and then the brass band and this and that!.. for another awkwardy fantastic quote, "..and even a whole choral section comes in now.. not as beautiful, of course, as the Tallinn Choir, though.. a great group of happy people singing..") through English sea-songs and American West saloon-ballads and 1950's Swedish songs of sea-side conversations on love and loss, a storytelling and liveable experience emerged.

Complete with snowstorm following, it is a great set of moments hinganud sisse (breathing in). Music for an open road, feeling the warmth of another resting their head upon your arm.

More on the already longing glow of thus around and unspoken possibilities of possibility in phrases soon to come.

Вперёд, edasi..

Northern infatuations.

One aspect of life here that continually entrances and astounds me is the variety of cultures and lives in such a small space. I suppose that after a lengthy amount of time in any region, certain variations arise and replicate themselves, compounding over time into full-out insulated dialects and nationalities. To outsiders of the region, and even general new-comers, most of the differences remain unintelligible and often unmentioned. Languages also tend to capture their own locational references to other peoples, far separate from common English-implemented world speak. In eesti keel, for example, some of the more striking examples are Sweden (Rootsi), Lithuania (Leedu), Russian (Vene), and most prominently Estonia itself (Eesti). In the case of the country itself, it's interesting how small-people politics played at one time into a gradually increasing widespread recognition of the location. Finland (Soome, or Suomi in Finnish) shares this problem, even though it has been an independent state for some time now. Far from influential and lacking a continuous independent state, Saami people (Sámi, or Laplanders) are another culture recognized through the lens of history out of the spotlight. Given, many larger, continuous and active countries also carry a designated English title far from that in the chief language (Deutschland, also Saksamaa in eesti keel.. on a side note, check out the 'map of Germany' on the Wiki article of Germany and give me your opinion if the person posting is somewhat of an expansive nationalist missing the 1940's).

Further into the linguistic variations comes that of culture. Eesti is not just the Tallinn pealinn (capital) people.. there are many from the islands, the linguistically distant Setu people in the south (one southern region is commonly called Otepää, meaning Bear-head in Setu. If translated into Tallinn eesti keel, it would come out as Karupea), and the Võru (also a separate language), to name a few. Obviously the more locally you focus, the more tribal these differences appear and knowledge of them is kept to those in close proximity.

Something I want to explore further in Estonian language and the region in general is cultural and linguistic regard of other Fenno-Ügric peoples, especially the Sámi. I've oft wondered how I have a slightly darker skin tone when my roots (as I know them) are Irish, Swedish and Prussian. I also have mused over how northern, colder lands and climates feel comfortable and seem to pacify my disposition. Conversing just slightly with some people yesterday over this, I was pegged from my appearance and attitudes as probably being an Ingerlane (most likely misspelled, as Google is shunning me with it), which either connotes Karelians (people in the north-east area of Russia, formerly part of Suomi) or a group of people within that reindeer-herding mix.

To close abruptly and with a snap, reindeer meat is damn tasty.

Edasi, вперёд..

Мы, вновь.

So, the United States of America has once again transformed itself and transformed the perception the world may take of us. Absolutely amazing. Until I stayed up all the way up to the 8am local time mark (shortly following Obama's victory speech), I had only somewhat grasped the unimaginable importance of this election. Sitting through the ups and downs and pundit raffataff engaged in a color-by-numbers exercise carries across a sort of Christmas feel in itself. Add elements of discussion concerning national, racial, international and inter-demographic firsts, and the magic began to swell.

I took some time trying to track down a decent station to watch throughout the debate, which was somewhat harder than it should have been. Part of this could be my distance from the continental US, or even Obama's childhood palm tree state, or even our shoot-marmots-from-Apaches northern outpost. Regardless, the internet offers just about everything (Obama forgot to mention that it won the election in his speech as well), and I was able to sample somewhat. CNN offered a live stream, however it was different from the 'real' CNN broadcast by sattellite, and thus somehow allowed to be anchored by the worst fake-tanned bag of duchery I have witnessed outside of MTV in some time. I kept BBC's live text in the background, which was somewhat interesting. At a certain time, BBC World started its coverage, which in theory should have been spectacular. This opportunity for a fresh US-British approach on the matter was ultimately shut down and put on Xanax by a combined 4,000 years of age between the four pundits. It was the worst stereotype of old British gentlemen, by old British gentleman, that I have been exposed to live (using the word liberally). So, scratch that one off.

Took a while to connive my computer into showing a Comedy Central stream, in anticipation of the John Stewart/Steven Colbert Indecision 2008 broadcast. Once it came to fruition, however, I found that the special was limited to an hour long starting at 10pm Minneapolis time. I firmly believe that all-night coverage by the pair could have been worthwile, not to mention filled with a larger cast of cockatoos.

At last, I was able to hold a fragile streaming connection to MSNBC and spent the rest of the election indulging in the commentators' witty banter amongst themselves and African American guests (plus Tom Delay and the respective campaign managers). I have to say that the 'racial equality' themes and undertones implicated in the selection of our 44th president were a realized though non-deciding element of the race for myself. I, and I believe President-Elect Obama himself, take this as a monumental step, though one which is not the only cause and only motivator for the wider sense of 'change' which is just beginning to inspire and call to action our nation. In his victory speech (which I have yet to pore back over, though will address in a later post), I remember that during one of the multiple and building climaxes, Obama pointed out that we have achieved change in his election, but that this is not what the election was about itself. This is only the start of things, a moment in the wider renewal and re-realization of our fundamental constitutional principles, and we have chosen a challenging and uplifting road for ourselves.

Digressing, the crowd receiving this speech and the entire electorate which has chosen Obama did so not primarily out of racial issues. However, the immediate and resounding effects which this vote has in that very topic is humbling and unspeakable in its magnitude. Seeing the faces of several prominent and ordinary African Americans, hearing the accounts of their own astonishment and joy at the achievement of this; not a president with a special focus on African Americans, but at the achievement of greater equality.. seeing and feeling their wordless amazement and love for the ideals which are America.. well.. this is an election, a time and a movement which I and all citizens who cherish our constitutional principles and rights will never forget.

Whoo, tingly! Haha.. We the people have the electrifying ability to be awesome sometimes. Go America.

Shifting for the moment aside of political discussion, I am becoming stoked up for the (real) return once more! Importantly, an element of political fear has been removed as of yesterday, though overall the realignment of my internal compass Minneapolis-ways is charging me up. In the last few weeks I've been fighting a pull towards the dulling of motivation .. not specific to moving, but in just about any aspect including sleep. Plans with Tori to get another 2-bedroom somewhere stuttered out from this and that, though we'll probably be hanging out just as much in Bully's (with free popcorn) as we would in a shared apartment. I had sort of counted on that as a 'certainty' in my move back, which added some comfort to the general flurry of confusion still healthily carried out by job searching. Moving at any time and in any circumstances seems to promote the kind of stress that reflects when you are plagued by some minor cold, though you're not sure if you really have a cold or have just been off beat for a time, or if a real cold will actually come, or.. Whoa, I just made myself want a beer.

All things end up coming around however they will, though, and disperse stress along the way. Beer also helps that.

Между прочем, thanks to my friend Awesome-Squad Melissa Lam and her own surprise array of awesome-squad friends (squad members, really.. and yes, everyone gets a glock, except for the interns, who all share one).. I have a potential apartment-mate set up for December! Following the slightly awkward (should donate some 'musing' time to what kind of a person Kim would come off as in such a situation) Facebook exchanges confirming that the other person doesn't make multiple fake Beastie Boys videos on Youtube (always an important question) and is not a permanent cult member, we have now started getting down on the getting down of actually finding a place.

She works for the state Senate (let me know if you want me to lobby at home for any bills limiting the number of tax credits possible for promoting anthropologically-themed squirrel accapello duos.. I've got the ins now), and I only have a scattering of interviews and unresponded CVs, so we're looking to settle down around Uptown or the Selby/Grand area. I'm excited to relocate back to an area of the Cities in which I've only roamed before, though I will miss proximity to THall. On Dasher, on Dancer..

My one-night readjustment to US Eastern time and then flip back again is tapping me on the shoulder, thus I'll shade in and dimple some blanks while making more in the next few days.. This whole 'Change' thing got be so charged up that I'm ready for a nap! Haha, aaahhh.. election humor.. Well done.

I should really commit myself to writing posts in that energized period of post-morning tea and pre-post-evening-wine. Ideals.

Edasi, вперёд..

Yes, we can.

The most inspiring speech I have ever witnessed. I'll get on analyzing it following some sleep, and some warm dreams complementing those already realized in America today.

Edasi, вперёд, ahead..

A.

Рржжжжшшшшщщщщ.. or, 'Lá metamophose de Mister Chat'

How else to put it.. It's a double shower, double glass of wine sort of day.

What leads to this sort of realization is somewhat irrelevant. Everything leads to everything.. yes, a shitty cop-out, though in the grand scheme of things and the first sip of this second glass and with no pressure to elaborate, I deem it adequate.

Not to have to quote John Mayer lyrics (I hope he plagiarized these words, especially given the context), though, 'I feel a quarter-life crisis just a'stirring in my soul.'

I felt close to walking out of work today. Nothing exceptionally dramatic precluded it, minus the usual bullshit of dealing with hordes of middle-aged women as customers (no offense to any innocent intakers of this post, though given this sampling, fucking worse than underslept 5 year old children) and high-school aged, pre-high-school mentality co-(used liberally)-workers (likewise). To disclaim: this only describes about 80% of those I work with and if need be, I could identify a good .. four or five who are upstanding members of society. That might be one of my current sources of contention, though let's just move onwards.

Strangely, it's not the place that seems to be stirring up these inexplicables. I can say that, especially today, an intensely strong missing of good friends in the States came a-surfacing. If there wasn't the distance, this post would probably not have emerged and most of its content would have been mentioned and dissipated through the bottom of Oktoberfest kegs and free salted popcorn. The strong sense of friends' absence is most likely a symptom of general realigning, and one that I can comfort myself as being short-term.

Upon getting back to the States, I've got some meetings set up. Both of them are jobs which would require Russian, something I'm going to focus on primarily in the search for employment and hold as a priority. That'll steady things a bit. Feeling.. well, feeling that I'm actually contributing something to the world would be great, though even an environment separate from the basics of service is something which is crystallizing as being intensely necessary. There is a balance somewhere, and this is not it. True enough, I'm here for the language and not the job, so I can placate the situation with that fact and strive harder to concentrate on it. However, lightly put, I'm ready for a forward switch.

For all that is and has been coming forth from this, both the positives and the negatives, I want to stress my appreciation for all situations and places involved. I don't want the blog as a whole or this post to carry forth a discouraging tone.. somewhat the total opposite, really. Though it's through these waiting periods and aggravations that the other bits really seem to shine through and sort themselves out.

Vague? Yes. Exactly.

It's the pull of momentum temporarily shrouded and impatiently puling itself through. As if in a rolling fog, comfortable in the thick, and disoriented when stumbling into lighter shades.

Metaphors are insufficient, though enough to settle with for now in light of exhaustion.

On a side note, due to what was most likely the plague (not on my end), the much awaited date of mention was postponed to the end of this week. Going on about it would only serve to uselessly lay blame on unresponsive circumstance. I'll leave digression on that about there for now, and sharpen my pencils (they number two) in prolonged anticipation. Haha.. no, really, we're going to go sketch some buildings around the city and whatnot.

Enough of the undirected disconcertedness for now. Expect some general upbeatedness and positivitiveness to come.. there's nowhere else it can go (definitely not to Iceland right now)! To maintain credentials and quote out on a more widely varied, less sexually charged, nearly excessively upbeat and lower-pop-neutral source, 'Yes, we can..'

Allllright.

Wait.. can't I just blame the financial crisis?

Edasi, вперёд..

Paper under the ink.

It's taken a while to get down on the gettin' down of writing, though here it is once more! I feel as though I am mismanaging my time of freedom (i.e. time not spent behind a counter scalding myself and any Fenno-Ugric peoples near me), though maybe I'm just settling in with having a constant lack of boredom. Actually, can't really see that being a problem anytime before I'm 92 and four months old, and that would only result from me having given up on trying to understand those dang kids and their new, year 2074 model implant Wii rock electro music guitar pool tables. Although life should also be somewhat posh for the elderly at that time. I'm thinking Werther's implants.

Between blogging, language absorption (Russian through the tele and books, eesti keel though just about everything and usually involving free beer, and now the basics of Danish), a cut-back scattering of US television, BBC, Vesti, Postimees, The Economist, Naomi Wolf, Facebook, the election, sending out CV's for a Minneapolis job, contemplating grad school, sketching for a possible architecture master's portfolio, lounge music, and whatever random shit comes about (lately, finding random pictures of bears in ridiculous fashion), my adult form of progressive ADD is somewhat satisfied. Oh, I also make dinner and sleep from time to time.

Not meant to be a complaint, in any sense. I realize that I'm absolutely comfortable with it, and yearn for more time to spend on each and every one of those things. Must be a part of maturity.. insatiably dredging up all of these random things to fill your time. Enjoyably tiring. I'm somewhat apprehensive for what'll come about once I move back to Minneapolis; getting around to spend some long-needed time with a staggeringly wide range of friends will be taking priority. Second-up will probably be bashing back into Russian, as I'm hoping to land a position downtown using that skill.

It's a facet of life that took a long time and many approaches to getting used to.. that of having to downgrade the amount of time I dedicated to friends, long time and emerging, on a daily basis. Now that I have readjusted to the limited contact and being slightly outside the 'circle' (being back in the States for a month was brilliant, I have to add, and the reconnection to a highly active society, while awkward for the first few days, was reaffirmed as a central part of me), it's going to be strange once more to fully implement a refreshed structure and system around myself.

Finding someone here to settle into that a bit more with, while it could be incredibly tough and aggravating that it would only start in close proximity for the next few months, is a definite interest of mine. I've had so many false-starts in the time I've been here (girls tend to always be unavailable and static in those positions), so it's somewhat tiring and bit of a challenge. Let's just say though, that.. barring any fucking sünnipäevad (birthdays).. neljapäev (Thursday) could be a very, very great day and I'll have much more to elaborate on in the safari for a significant other. Haha.. Now just for a pith helmet and slapping myself into a somewhat presentable appearance for these so-called date anomalies..

Onto something just as engrossing.. I officially sent in my absentee ballot a few days back! Whoo, active participation in a political system! It's also exciting being from a state where my vote is much needed. Somewhat unsettling and scary, though exciting. I've also been revving myself up as of late with Naomi Wolf's new book, Give Me Liberty. Enjoyable to read something that I have shifting and conflicting feelings toward. An important aspect of it I believe is that even though I'm not in agreement with everything written, it is meant to provoke an active debate in itself and to bring these issues to light. People are much more prone to lock themselves into one camp or another without taking in alternate views if they aren't exposed to them. That's a great part about America is that (in theory) we have the ability to do this, and from that we come up with a mutually beneficial common ground through peaceful means. It's very true that especially in the last decade, this practice has become somewhat discouraged and even forcefully downplayed. Something will reach a breaking point though, and the ability to use and actively exercise our right to freedom of speech will come back around with even greater meaning.

I've been thinking lately and writing a touch about how the Obama campaign has at least set up the beginnings of this refreshment of rights. This election is one of the most important in US history, and (though the word has been draped overenthusiastically upon almost everything in the last few months) a single change may give the possibility for a multitude of others. A constitutional element of our political system is this ability to change and transform how we engage ourselves and the world while holding onto our fundamental principles. It feels as though of late people are afraid to exercise these rights, even by merely holding an opinion. Part of it is an encouraged (socially and educationally) apathy, part of it is a willingness to let a host of laws and institution take it away from us. It is, however, rightfully ours by the Constitution and our option to peacefully regain. The nature of Obama's campaign strongly called upon a local presence and grassroot structures. I think that, given the fresh take on such processes separate from association with the crazies (usually promoting health care for ticks and a national housepet committee), the ripples will carry on in different forms and for different reasons. Could be a step towards a multi-party system, or more chances for direct democracy and bringing and interest of what goes on in goverment to the people affected who it is meant to serve.

Didn't mean for this to turn into a winding political rant, though that's the air of late. My sleep is still a bit thrown off from getting up for the debates (nothing like 4 am mental challenges!).

Expect more of the same in the next month. Expect literal interpretations of my hapless and awkward attempts at romantic contact with the opposite sex. Expect more bears (we both become slightly more ridiculous right before winter hibernation).

Edasi, вперёд..

Baltic once more, for now, once more..

More to emerge soon, edging towards clarification on .. just about.. most things I could elaborate on that I've put off in a while! Tactility comes with the fog and rain..

Вперёд, edasi..

Refresh (Värskendus).

--Wrote this in a sidewalk café on a Paris sidestreet. Mmmm.--

Noh.. Pariis.

I very much heart this city. It is alive, excited and entirely coexistent. It feels as though I have spent so much energy in other places to not feel as a foreigner, to not be looked upon instantly and with first breath as an outsider with everything that connotes. The city and its people are contemplative, expressive and seemingly enthralled to live amongst each other. There pervades that slight sense of aloofment, yes though interactions ride upon waves of genuinity. I enjoy the lack of English, in signs and surroundings as well as responses. The language is stunning; enforce it! Sidewalks are littered with cafes, always vibrant and reverberating with life and the soul of societé. People want to converse, wnat to fill the seams in pockets meshed with the other, spilling into the winding masses of the physical city itself. It is a warmth, a glow which emantes from each corner and face.

Merci.

Here is there is here (Siin on seal on siin)

Niiiiiii..

Paris is one of the most beautiful cities that I have ever wandered and indulged. Saying any more would force me to exhibit public displays of affection. I'll save reminiscing here for some quiet moments, candlelit and with soft jazz seeping through the background.

Being in the States so far is almost inexpressibly strange. I alternate between a dreamlike state wondering if living in Eesti really happened, to confusion and an awkward detachment from my surroundings. It's great being back in Minneapolis, absolutely fulfilling with the few friends I have been able to connect with so far (highly expecting some more delayed meetings!), and in all, a bit much for my head at the moment! I feel as though the excuses of jet lag over the 8-hour time gap have slipped me.. adaptation to that came somewhat quickly minus some mild insomnia and fatigue. Settling is, for now, appearing in the near-impossible. I'm here and there around couches and will be rolling around that way for the next few weeks. Upon fully moving back, I've decided that a fully rented, ready-to-move-in apartment is absolutely necessary for first stop. Hospitality abounds (even making it somewhat difficult to plan where and for how long to stay), though without a separate space and the weight of keys in my pocket.. it's difficult to process anything.

I've also reaffirmed how ridiculous and arcane mobile phone systems are in the States. To illustrate:

Europe: Go to store (produce or otherwise), find SIM card packages at counter, purchase, put in a phone, dial number to activate. The money spent on the SIM card is then on the phone (т.е. 40 kroon spent means free SIM card and 40eek credit) incoming calls logically do not cost you anything, texting is ridiculously cheap, and the entire cost for a month of calling might be $20 or $30, relatively.

U S of A: Go to store (say, Target). Try to explain to salesperson that you don't want to buy a phone with the card in it. Explain to salesperson further that, in order to use a calling card, you need a phone with ability to call. Reaffirm that you don't want to buy that phone with the card in it. Explain where Europe is. Shake head. Start explaining again. Give up. Go to second store specific to a phone company. Explain situation. Wait for idiot to ask other salesperson. Success! Other salesperson confirms. Wait for idiot to tie shoe and balance red ball on nose for small fish, while other salesperson tries to explain how to sell card, then follows up to make sure that idiot takes my money, and that idiot finally gets sent away to 'help' other wandering people. Pay $25 for charge-up card (if salesperson cares little enough about job and life to charge the recommended $10 for SIM card), struggle with phone to pick up service in metropolitan area. Once service can intermittently be attained, hope that new SIM card has not deleted all old numbers from phone and start putting local numbers in for first calls. Begin placing calls, and just as immediately halt frequency, after discovering that each minute costs 25 cents, incoming and outgoing, as well as the realization that even leaving a voicemail for someone depletes your balance by at least 50 cents. Curse uselessness of company, system, life, deities, apricots, and any other unresponsive objects in near area. Replace SIM card with European card, which continues to allow cheap text messaging. Rue the day.

More or less.

It is grand to be back though, and I do miss the atmosphere here.. the openness, the warmth. The innate 'need' of random people I hear is somewhat repulsive, as are several consumer-based things here and there (do seasonally themed interior decoration gift stores really have any justifiable purpose in any society?!). In all, though, they are the sort of things which over life I had already come to deal with (just tuned out through experience) and am now just freshly battered with once more (uuesti). The full move-back in a few months will be positive (and uncompromisingly strange)!

Already, and I'm sure over the next few weeks and then again when I move back this winter, I'm experiencing this odd sense of 'reimmigration'. Not sure if unfamiliarity of many things is the only thing behind it.. Not sure if I'm just so used to feeling like a foreigner that even here I automatically refocus on aspects of my own differences in regards to social and physical surroundings. I'm unleashed. Wondering if I'm doomed (or lucky enough) to always be somewhat removed from a stable 'here'. Being back in the Cities for the few days has made me miss Minneapolis so much more, while paradoxically causing to come to light feelings of possible comfort living in another completely different place.. Say, for my masters, somewhere else in Scandinavia or northern Europe? Another place, another (warmer) culture, another language, another city? It could be merely shaken, temporarily fresh unsettled feelings here, or just the yearn for something farther and deeper. No idea. Friends and the place once more feel as a comfort, and a reassurance that even after time they remain. The question of how long it would take and how much involvement would be required for it to become, once more, 'my' scene is intriguing and unsettling at the same time. Another turn, another road. What continues to intrigue through it all are the spaces untrod between the roads.

For now..

Edasi, вперёд..

..and counting (поехали, läks)..

Amongst other things, I have an explicit need to start off this post with a winding, moaning rant somewhat concerning certain local practices.

What sort of culture promotes having a fucking national (also read: inherently exclusive) holiday out of each individual's birthday?! Also, I get the 'small nation' complex. True, and well deserved. Alright, stated. Next step: get over it. So your population numbers under 1,5 million. Given. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that in order to extend a national presence farther and to feel more populous, people celebrate their birthdays at least 30 times per calendar year. What, you may inquire somewhere deep in your Estonian-deficient consciousness, exactly do these so called 'sünnipäevad' signify? Well, mainly, making plans with others in advance.. from weeks to days.. and then canceling out with apologies after curious inquiry from one of the parties when the arranged event is overlooked from the birthday-attending side. It should also be noted that birthday parties, apparently, require full and mandatory attendance by all of the individual's close-to-peripheral friends, for the entire duration of the evening, presumably with a celebrated 'tucking in' party capping off the newly aged person's social orgy. The event also will not take place in any public area, reliably spurn invitation of more than the mysterious number of 'close friends' for attendance, and, if possible, should likely be held in the middle of a mysterious and inaccessible bog kilometres away from any urban locale.

Would be less of an annoyance if the observation wasn't anthropologically sound, made over an extended period of time and many, many occurrences.

Birthdays here are bullshit.

So enough of that, for now. And onto..

Less than a week!! Невероятно, просто.. To clarify though, under 7 days from now I will be nudged somewhere in Pariis with a friend who I met in Tallinn a few years ago (see the L'Envers du Regard site for breathtaking reference, or revisit my 2006 posts). Should be really great! Wine and Sicilian card games that I can't comprehend are on their way.. Followed by Chunneling my way to London, meeting up with a Minneapolis friend for a pint, then off to Heathrow and from there hopping the ocean for the first time in around 10 months. Ridiculous! I am incredibly stoked.. Yes, living situation is somewhat fuzzy for the first while, and for the longer while if nothing pans out with work or residence and I need to postpone a 'full' return. I've come to know and appreciate the differences between 'realizing' something and 'preparation' for it, however. Right now, I have a grasp on neither. The nearness of the event and the whirlwind of days.. weeks.. that it will bring with it require time to sit and contemplate on it, or just the events themselves to smack me in the face to slide my fingers over comprehension of the trip, and possible move, itself. Preparation for all of this goes somewhat in hand with the realization, meaning that I'm expecting most ends to come together sometime järgmisel laupäeva õhtul. Probably between double fists of some Palmse Viru õlu. I've informed my landlord (who is also on vacation for the next month or so) that I'm going to rent for the full september and oktoober months in any case, I've sold my hard-transported futon to a good man from the café (and probably most of my dishes, leaving a skeleton 'in-case' stock), packed up a box to ship some heavier items (and at the same time wild about the fact that I'll still pay more than my airfare to get both bags through the first flight), basically.. set in the first stones for the bridge. What remains are the difficult parts. Näiteks.. finding a way to sustain myself if I do reroot, while also explaining to my employer in that situation why I didn't return as of yet and how to sort things out in an effort to sustain my residency permit as well as what I can do for the firm from abroad.. näiteks.. gearing myself up and making decisions for further education or employment. Locked myself into a GRE test date a week after I return, which should fit well with lingering jet lag and reverse-cultural awkwardness. Not to mention that mathematics and I are the tire-slashing sort of enemies. Makes a possible architecture masters programme and myself seem from a distance as the best of possible chums.

Basically, I'm so flushed with excitement for all of this that it almost turns into doubt that it is happening at all. Seems so odd.. so familiar, and so real. It's the same feeling when you're dreaming and you start to realize it, though you accept the realization of unconsciousness and don't see it as so much a stark alternative to waking up and starting that tea. What feels and appears as procrastination is actually disbelief and that good fear that makes your gut numb and your spine tingle (Kim read: bacon).

It's 'the same kind you feel before another beginning of beginnings.. or before expected meeting up with a fiercely cute and provoking Estonian girl.

Just holding out hope that the journey home won't have any sünnipäevad to attend..

More on the ground situation here in short time..

Edasi, вперёд..

Кто за кого (a prelude to Балтика 5)..

I don't mean to turn this blog into a semi-political commentary, though when my weekly reading rotates between The Economist, BBC, The Onion, and Вести.. it's hard not to throw some things out there. Propaganda on both, no, all sides is stunning in the Georgian conflict. Both the subtleties as well as the wider drives in 'conspiracy' almost provokes more interest than the world-shaking conflict itself and how it has shed light on in the 'don't go there's' of Western-Russian relations.

I say all sides, because it's more than just Georgia-Russia or West-Russia. As Georgia isn't (yet) in NATO and thus remains susceptible to the full Russian political and military machine, there remains a divergence in perspectives (though Saakashvili's use of the EU flag during statements does suggest he feels differently). The Estonian take on all of this is special as well, and within that, the Russian-speaking Estonians vs. those with Estonian as a birth language. Haven't been following much of the US perspective, though it seems to take on the wider confrontation with Russia that has been brewing since 1992. European perspectives.. even going further to saying French-German perspectives, that of the British, and elsewhere, all differ. I've been mainly observing the Russian reactions on this whole deal, however, and many of my mornings before work of late have taken on the appearance of me with tea stapled to my hand and Вести television streaming online (often with some Soviet movie playing on my TV in the background as well.. nothing like an early onslaught!).

What provoked (ha.. and how that word has flown around in the last week) this post was this article from Вести (Vesti, for all the non-Cyrillicers) which just jumped up in the last hour. Apparently, as is being discussed in a meeting of the Russian Defense Ministry, Georgian militia in cooperation with Ukrainian nationalists and Chechen terrorists (note: not just 'separatists') have taken part in and are planning more 'provocation for unrest' in Gori. Their tactic: dressing in Russian military and peacekeeping uniforms, then making their way around the city looting and committing general rape-kill-plunder sort of crimes against the local population. They also are, apparently, carrying or distributing video cameras so that the events may be recorded and thus allow the Georgian side to decry continued Russian occupation (of 'peacekeeping' forces though, mind you.. ha.. ha..) and in their hopes, pull NATO members deeper into the fray.

Obviously covering their back for the expected nights out of their future-militzia members scattered throughout Georgia now. However, I wouldn't put it past Saakashvili to attempt that through security forces, in an attempt to get the West to saddle up. And at the same time, Russian citizens feel reassured that their image (at least with themselves and those who speak the language) remains clean as a bottle of Russkiy Standart. One should remember, however, that Russian vodka does, from time to time, become somehow interlaced with industrial toxins.

Конец первой серии..

Edasi, вперед..

И чуть о России..

Just have to throw it in there as well.. welcome to the new Холодная Война (Cold War). Russian media is making a point of stating how US planes are flying 800 Georgian fighters from Iraq back home, in order to fight Russians. Another article rages on about how their troops have been trained by American forces for the last ten years.

I'm just drawn into a news programme in the middle of the breathless Russian reporting which detailed every type of military equipment Georgia is using ('against peaceful people and Russian citizens').. how many troops were trained by the US and Turkey.. where they bought and where everything was constructed (Turkey, Israel, Ukraine and US).. and just came up how apparently Georgian special forces planned a terrorist attack in Russia, according to the FSB. Medvedev is meeting with FSB now, so time to tune on to that one..

Proxy wars again?! Language at the Security Council is sharp.. The world should fear when the Russian military tires of beating its own members up and turns to other sources. Oh, wait, this is a 'peace keeping' mission..

Tick, tick..

Вперёд..

Затуманенно (while being obscured by mist)..

Nii.. a great shift is drawing closer, though it feels as my awareness of it dims with every day nearer. When plans become more finalized and the event itself is realized in fuller detail.. it stirs near-disbelief. Which is distracting in itself.. as, shit!, there's a wide array of things to set up and finalize things in greater form as time progresses. I feel that too much time is caught in a circular tide; thinking how amazing and different things will be in such a short time, and in that all of the things which necessarily follow (i.e. shipping, packing, job, living) arise to consciousness.. and just as quickly seem as if a dream. In questioning the reality of everything finally 'happening,' I get caught up in excitement at its mere occurrence. I suppose in straight American English, what I'm attempting to carry across is, 'It's about time to get the fuck up on top of that shit!'

At the same time it's incredibly odd, as developments that I've been waiting on for months here have just started coming through which in effect actually legitimize my presence and incur the opposite of 'up and moving out.' I picked up my ID-kaart from the wretched Migration Board a week ago, and with it came my Isiku kood; basically a less secret Eesti Social Security code. With it, I've signed a form and am covered by the national (universal!) health insurance, I'm to sign a 'work contract' soon (ha.. ha.. mm.. about that..), just got paid legally through my bank account (continuing an economic diet of rice, with this, becomes all the more necessary thanks to 24% now claimed by taxes).. things are setting and solidifying at the same time that I am moving towards loosening and detachment. It feels ironic, though at the same time it feels right. I've recently been able to admit and see for what it is how lonely it is living here, with few if any possibilities for constant and fulfilling friendships on the horizon. Even shifting away from just looking at the present and gaging the coming months, it's much simpler to justify a 'yes' decision to moving back. It already feels like fall here, which I enjoy, and excites me further to simmer myself soon in the Minnesota version of it. The days are shorter (which started by the realization that, wait, there is a night!), it drops to sub 10C at night (perfect for kampsunid (sweaters) and hoodies! Yeeahhh North!), and.. generally.. reminds that the summer is closing out and more Radioheadish months approach. If I made it through spring and summer semi-adequately with a short supply of comrades (most, even, of whom are likewise leaving for various places in a month), I don't see anything exhilarating in putting myself through the coming dark days without the close company of great friends. I know I could do it, and the challenge of it is the only thing that preserves the faint possibility of residing here, though when the mere addiction to challenge is filtered from the point of here, exceedingly little remains to tip or shake the scale. No need to deny myself a positive thing and a strong step forward!

With that, less than five weeks remain until I'm arm in arm with friends and stouts on patios under goldening leaves!

That is, if Russia refrains from massing troops up to take back Narva (the border city with a sister castle to the Russian side). I've got to say, living in an ex-Soviet Republic at a time like this makes one a bit giddy. The unfortunate effect of having to work for rent comes between myself and departing here on a massive enjoyable political romp, though I'll try to stretch out the fingers and dust off the keyboard to take that on here in the next 12 hours or so. 'Soiuuuuz nerushimiy, respuuuubliikk svobonikh..'!!..

Ah, here's a tip of the hat and a cheer's to Ian's blog (Magyarishness off to your left there) with a great propaganda map that I stumbled over.. the Russian title reads 'Map of Our People for Children,' and details all areas that may be, in effect, classified as 'Russian.' I'm just waiting for the RF to fill in the gaps again..

Edasi, вперёд..

Шевелиться.. Stir..

Ну, well well.. As usual, I've had the semi-constant urge to put something down here. And following the usual response to that urge, it's slipped away here and there when opportunity comes around. I've felt an (admittedly, sickenly pop-culture, Californication-inspired) increased drive to write more. The next step is logically figuring out something to write about.. a requirement which causes most sense I have to scatter. I suppose sitting down and going at it with no intended purpose is a sufficient alternative, probably one with better results less tinged in the rise and fade of immediate emotion surrounding other whims. I digress.

Today hails the six-week-and-counting mark! Incredibly stoked for the return to Minneapolis, and another start at sorting things out for the next few years. The GRE and FSOT await me within a month or two of arrival, and the LSAT if I become bored enough to slog through the preparations (I also fear becoming distracted on my way through Barnes & Noble towards the prep guides). It's exciting in the way that I'm motivated to become motivated. For now, at least.. though it will be something constant that I can resultingly restimulate with a combination of caffeine and alcohol!

Sensing the rerelocation drawing near, I'm also, in theory, taking to seeing and imbibing what's around much more. The pictures on the last post were from the Tallinn Soviet-era prison (which shut down just six years ago.. not sure in which era the conditions were worse) that I'd heard about and had this long-running ambition to scour through. At the entrance, only announced by the massive metal door being open and a small sign out of easy view stating the hours (and the fact that hours change faster than McCain's attempts at insults), a small shack appears which is the ticket booth, at the end of a winding gravel road with no apparent direction. You drop the old (Estonian) ticket lady 30 kroon, and she tells you to check out the execution room on the right and then do everything on the left. That's where the museum guidance ends. Creepy and sort of thrilling experience! The only thing stopping you from going too far (whatever that could mean) is the fact that the particular iron door or bars are welded shut. Random shit is lying around everywhere, old newspapers still stuck to the walls, clothing, books, drawings, dripping ceilings, surgical equipment.. just about everything minus glass cases, lighted rooms (ha ha.. really), and a reassuring atmosphere. One of those unique things that within a year or two will be either replicated high-cost apartments or shut out and left to disintegrate.

The other adventure of late (urges for which also stem from boredom, loneliness and a growing aversion to the near-daily routine of pointless 'work' alternated with making rice) was a spontaneous camping trip to somewhere south of Pärnu, in south-western Eesti. Nothing like starting out the morning with an 80 kroon (around $8.. note the stunning use of detail in the set-up instructions at left) tent purchase from the supermarket, spending the day on a bus and hiking for hours down the coast, almost getting swallowed by mystery death swamp ponds, and finishing out the day with a Baltic Sea (Läänemere - lit. 'West-Sea') view and sausages! Correctly, as my Estonian coworkers pointed out, somewhat crazy and lonely going it alone, though its the only option I really have here along with the fact that doing it that way was satisfying in its own right. My rule is that if you aren't eaten by wild boars or Latvians while doing it solo, bring it on! I'll see how applying that one works out in other life situations as they present themselves..

I'm holding my fists tight and repeating 'comeonnnn' over and over in anticipation of scoring a car to borrow for a good six days, and driving to the top of the European world in late August on a similar sort of seiklus. Sort of thing that would be really amazing with one or several friends, though central Europe and ocean(s) sort of come in the way of that for now.. which all contributes towards reinforcing the validity of my decision to make it back to the Cities for a very prolonged time!

I feel that I'm reporting a bit too much and edging closer to underlying moaning about this and that.. Probably hamper myself with doggedly sticking to only Eesti keel in developing friendly relations with locals. You would think that taking it on like this would actually turn over more promising experiences and root you more into the scene, though it often is met with an ironic dismissal of you just being any other person then.. which most likely detracts from chances of a quick-start relationship in an already closed-up culture. I realize, though, that I didn't move here to make friends, and definitely did not uproot in order to be used as a convenient English tutor dropped unexpectedly into locals' lives. The tiring, resounding majority of foreigners living here also make it more of a challenge to break the expat stereotype.. not making an effort at the language, combined with fundamental goals of getting some hot foreign ass (yes, respectable in itself, though the approach usually taken can be somewhat refined..). I'm a bit proud and relieved to be tagged moreso with the 'local' and not 'foreigner' status in comparison, even if it means culturally being brushed aside. Definitely somewhat of a stretch to compare the trend to those of migration (urbanization compared to rural life, or moving to the West compared to the choices here) or marriage (women look resoundingly for contextually older men or ones with more opportunities to offer).. though from what I've perceived, many people regard foreigners and most relationships in general in an incredibly opportunistic sense. People make a core group of old school-friends and relationships they stick with and value, and close off afterwards, holding new contacts in the sidelines as they see fit. Again, this is all more or less and sweepingly general, though pervasive. In that sort of light, most is simply what's to be expected given the circumstances.. unfortunate, and probably more difficult in some respects than would be in various other cultures and locations, though the reason for moving here was to take in exactly that as well. Just makes daily ins and outs a bit tiring, as in a way it's the non-stop linguistic business.. at least this time around. Could be the city, could be not tapping into the right scene, could be the language of focus, could be not having enough wine for the evening as of yet. All in all just continues to be interesting in its own interpretation, as you delve deeper and search out the variations. Поехали..

With semi-constancy in applying myself to writing, I'll hopefully get farther away from the reporting and moaning in following posts here! Though the words probably ring in emptiness as I raise a pint and my condolences to those who have for whatever reason even made it this far in me bantering blandly and pressingly this round.. Еще вино! More Dosh!

Axx.. Soon into refreshing scenes, dark pints and Minnesota skies.. Boardgames and lakes, friends, skylines and a possibility for mixing work with exploration of multilingual Slavic undercurrents of the Cities!! I'll expand on that spicy one in short time..

Edasi.. Вперёд..

Nii, et.. (Eyes and feet forward flowing)..

So.

14 September/september/сентябрь : 11:00 fly out from Tallinn.

13:10 arrive in Paris (oui-oui).

15 September/september/ceнтябрь: Take on the city like a polar bear takes on fish. Just like that.

16 September/september/сентябрь: 9:07 Chunnel it over to London.

10:36 find my way to Heathrow (sled, if I can).

14:25 hit the London skies, and following in-flight movies and ticket-price-included Heineken onboard..

17:45 taste the Minneapolis air winding through the skyline.

More on that, the colour of the sky and the origins of these pictures in short.

Edasi, вперёд..

Rifficious.

Fate can be sort of a prick sometimes, yeah? The breadth and depth of what comes to write about is a bit overwhelming for even a cloudy morning with new Sigur Rós and tea lining the background, and piling work and what feels like the last 200 of an 800 yard dash which is me doing the robot in picking up eesti keelne proficiency. Fuuah. Within the last month I have been staggardly punching progress holes into conversational ability (though not the sort of holes a Jesse Ventura would be able to punch). All the same and due to a conglomeration of wide-ranging and very- to semi-relevant conditions, about a week ago I sucked in a breath and made a Decision (no coin toss or decisive Bozo buckets involved, mind you) that, yes,

I am moving back.

Now to just carry through with that. I started with leaking it to some Estonian coworkers and friends, which felt like it should have been one of the more difficult parts anyways. I reassured them, and I do actually mean, that I will be moving back for a few years for grad school and the like, and throughout all of it traveling back often, holding my residency in Estonia temporary for as long as I can see. Hell, about the only places to speak Estonian in the street are here and in Toronto, and I'm not an avid Maple Leafs fan. It even seems to time out well, given that the people involved in the few 'better' friendships I have been able to develop are set to up and off themselves to mandatory army conscription or other parts of Europe. Plus the draws of being back with those in Minneapolis and the closer surrounding Midwest make fronting myself through explaining the decision easy. Done. Next, tickets. Done. September 16th (Northwest got drunk and tickets dropped below a grand from London.. Hu-ra-h.). Done. Start plans for being back, sharpen a CV and start feeling out for jobs. Alright.

Now, tell the boss.

It would have been loads easier, had this entire thing not coincided with another momentous event.. I am legally residing in Europe! Fucking finally! After six months of delay and pissing about, the Migration Board (just about as organized as the local Beaver Appreciation Society, which in my mind even has more admirable goals) descended from on high and presented me with a excessively-spaced letter detailing my name, birthday, and that their answer is 'Alright, sure.' This is actually a really sweet deal, and allows me to until February 2010 spend as much time as I want living and working in Estonia, as well as temporally unbounded travel in the rest of Schengen. I'll also get an Estonian identity card on 3 August, which will make me feel, in the most majestic of expressions, 'fucking pimp' when I walk through border controls in Europe.

Alright, great. I still plan on moving back, however. Even if I wanted to extend it, the first one is the only bitch of a process from what I hear.. renewing takes a week or two and could probably be done on holiday if needed.

My employer came up to me yesterday with all these things he is supposed to fulfill, however.. still not sure how all or any of these really concern me (our conversations are usually thoroughly interesting though range from point to point faster than Obama can wink at each member of a rally.. which I can believe is stunning). I also very, very loosely grasp how this would equal him wanting to demonstrate to the government that he (wants to.. what?!) will (have had) paid for my return tickets back Stateside. All jolly, yes.. don't understand any of it, and only slightly wary and offset by this.. though.. what?! I did slip into the conversation that I am actually planning on going back and slapping through the master's. I am somewhat sure he heard me. If he connected that to the rest of my sentence saying 'not sure if I'm coming back right away' is another matter. So now I need to go out and set it down straight.. I mean, shit, I already texted my landlord about it! Not sure how this will affect my residency permit in full, though.. suck in another breath, and take this one on with determination.

In other news, the sun almost fully sets for close to a few hours now. Whoo!

Ho..

Edasi, вперёд..

Jaanipäev ja kõik, mis see tähendab ja on seotud..

Nii.

Eile oli Jaanipäev.. palju tuleb sellest rääkima, muidu lühikselt: .. sõitsin maale. Olin joonud. Grillinud. Käisin Soome lahtis pärast sauna. Eesti keeles oli kõik juhtnud. Taevas mere üle oli suurepärane. Inglise keeles ja vist rohkem eesti keeles varsi oleks kirjutanud siin, ja piltid lisanud kui leian nende kuidagi. Aga seepärast tund oleks hea magada, mäletada, unistada.

Edasi..

Niisiis..

Well well.. This is a long time coming. Again with the 'little going on though much to discuss' sort of goings on. I feel like too much and too little of my days are carried out in English.. Though likewise increasingly much and at the same time not enough in eesti keeles. I am plagued by geography.

Conversations and the relationships (that grow out of and samas ajas (at the same time) shape the oher) with eestlased (Estonians, you may recall) are warmer.. And that is the tantalizing bit. Not warm enough to feel comfortable here or to propose to myself committing for a longer period or even say I have a steady set of faces to lock into, but it is the half-working-heated-kitchen-floor equivalent of social acceptance. I do crave a return, the warm rush of being around friends I deeply miss. I do also become distracted by intrigue.. Five minutes of successful conversation and a fleeting connection is enthralling.

A few weeks ago I, at least in mental decision, recommitted myself to coming back (again). Sit back and see how this goes; I'm back to the 'nothing definite' equilibrium.. Though I am feeling a bit hungry for written progress. Academic something-something. Provoking mental work. This will sometime consist of taking the GRE, LSAT and-or FSOT sometime upon returning.. Sometime. I'm currently aiming for September/Octoberish. As usual, the Migratsiooniamet could still at any time bash away all of these plans with their impending decision (I'm assuming, which has always been the brother-mother-any other sucker of fuck-ups, this comes before 20 juuli). Having the Fulbright carry through would also sway and romance me.. Though for now and until a non-alternate Fulbrighter breaks their ankles, this is pipe material.

I'm keeping an eye out for GS Department e-mails containing mention of any sort of provoking job in the Cities and at the same time a finger on the (unfortunately) steady trajectory of tickets back home. It feels like anything could really make or break the state of affairs. In the meantime, I pull myself a pint of Palmse tume in the evening from the café.

Traveling will be making its way into the sights soon as well.. Though the thought of money flowing out and not in is for various reasons not the most self-encouraging prospect. Mõned (a few) top-quality couchers Leedust (from Lithuania) have somewhat convinced me to add that to a list of places to visit, and one that should cross into the 'traveled' category in short order. Even hitch-hiking here, they made it in close to six hours from Kaunas. Just feels like something I need to do, given how simple it seems. I have a penchant for not being felt up by Baltic Russian truck drivers however, so I might keep to the inter-state bus system. Rising up to northern Finland with an auto is also a taiesti (absolutely) entrancing thought and hopefully, in near time, plan.

Head Jaanipäeva kõigile.. Take in this side of the sun while it shines and expect the same when it submerges on the other side of the solstice.

Вперёд, edasi..